THE NEW PLEASURE PRINCIPAL..

I have a solid social media presence. The upside is that I can reach many people when I feel the need to express myself. The downside is I am constantly questioning and judging what I look like. I have not taken new content pictures much this year. It’s probably a combination of me getting older, combined with Covid, I’ve put on a couple of pounds. Like many of us have. The last thing I wanna do when I’m feeling a little chunky is to take cute pictures to fulfill some fantasy vision of what I think I should look like. All year I’ve been putting off taking these photos until I lost those couple pounds. It hasn’t happened yet. I have cleansed, worked out more, ate less, my weight has not budged. Short of starving myself or running marathons there’s not much I can do. I’m over 40 with a collection of injuries.

And you know what sisters? I’m not technically “overweight”.

I fully understand the pictures on I social media are not reality, mine included. Of course I touch up little things to make myself look better… we all do. That’s the problem. None of us show 100% of the truth at any time. We all live in a fantasy world where none of us have bad hair days or thick thighs, cellulite, spots, or wrinkles. Damn it to hell, at this point, I have all these things.

Since the first edition of Harper’s Bazaar in 1867 women have been comparing themselves to other women seen in pictures. Back then you couldn’t see too much, maybe an ankle, even then women had many layers of powder, corsets and props to make them appear “perfect”. And from there it just got worse. Now we have angles, filters, lighting, Photoshop, air brush make up, hair extensions, shapeware, and ring lights. We have so many things to create this fabricated ideal. Body trends may vary over time, sometimes super skinny is in, super fit, sometimes Rubenesque, the self judgment is the constant.

How can an average woman possibly feel good about themselves, ever? What would it take for all of us to look in the mirror in the morning and smile with our own reflection instead of cringe?

This is where most of us live. Am I right?

So another week passes contemplating this picture problem again. Another week I decide not to do it. The root of the question is will I ever feel like my body or my face is good enough. Do any of us feel that? What is good enough? JFC ..cue the eyeroll and the pang of displeasure.

I follow Lizzo on TikTok. I fucking love her. She is unapologetically a big girl. I need a big serving of that, I think we all do. Most women have been living their whole lives comparing themselves to other peoples fantasies. It’s unhealthy and it just plain sucks.

At this point I give so little shits about most things, the older I get, the less shits I give. Honestly this seems like the last shit I’m holding on to. But It’s a big one. I wonder what it would take for me to embrace the current state of my physical appearance? I mean shit, I’m healthy as fuck. I’ve taught yoga full-time for 20 years, I’m vegan, I exercise most days, I take care of my body, my skin, my hair. I do all the things. People often, if not always assume I’m a decade younger than I am. I feel like a dumbass even thinking this way. But I know I’m not alone. So I feel the need to share.

So here’s the question that I’ve been getting to. In order for me, Vanessa, right now, to lose this stupid 5–10 pounds that I’m losing sleep over, my daily life experience would have to change. I would either have to eat less food to an uncomfortable measure, or exercise more to an uncomfortable measure. Notice the “uncomfortable” thing. And there’s still a good chance that shit wouldn’t work. So.. do I make my life moving forward a little less enjoyable because of a little more weight I have? It’s a conundrum. No one in my life gives one shit or even noticed that I have a couple pounds on. My boyfriend loves my thick thighs and juicy butt. I’m the one with the problem. It’s always been MY problem. Circling back to “I know I’m not alone”. Do I give up some quality of life to fit in those jeans in the back of my closet? Is it worth the price of admission?

I remember a quote from a supermodel, I forget which one, she said “nothing tastes as good, as being skinny feels.” We all buy into that business, it’s bullshit. I know that.

Feeling good about ourselves is a personal choice. We should always do as much as we can to keep ourselves healthy, stress-free and as fit as possible. These thinsg help us live longer and be more comfortable in our bodies. This has nothing to do with what our bodies end up looking like. It’s easy to say “of course not you should totally feel good in your own skin.” The challenge is putting those words into action. The challenge is making yourself believe it and live it. So this is my decision, and this is my challenge.

Ice cream or skinny jeans?

Maybe I’ll give it one more week, *wink

I do love that Ben& Jerry’s Netflix and chill.