ME2 was never new…Sex, yoga and the “guru complex”
Let me begin by saying that these words are coming out of the mouth of an adult female yoga instructor of almost 20 years. I have been around the block both in the yoga room and the bedroom. I am well aware of how sex changes yoga and how yoga changes sex. A healthy synergy of yoga and sex can be beautiful and fulfilling , however when not healthy, or invited, sex and yoga can create life-long physical and emotional damage.
If yoga is an important and integral part of your life, you have seen the headlines, “Yoga teacher outed” …”studio owner sued”yoga guru arrested”. Stories of sexual misconduct of some form or another, by many men in power have been brought to light. Very widespread , this abuse stems from what I like to call “The Guru Complex”. The use of ones self proclaimed “guru like” status to manipulate others to engage in unhealthy and often very unwelcome sexual activity.
The outcome of such an experience can be both physically and emotionally destructive. I know this first hand. The male teacher that ran my first 200hr teacher training was arrested more than once for sexual misconduct.
The beginning of my yoga practice was at home watching Brian Kest “Power Yoga” on VHS. His practice was challenging yet thoughtful. I fell in love with it. After about a year I decided to dig deeper, my schedule was plastic, I had some money saved, I decided to look for a teacher training in New York City. At that time there weren’t that many yoga studios to choose from. I went around like Goldilocks tasting porridge. This one was too corporate, that one was too “gym-ratty”, the other too “Hari Krishna”. These just weren’t for me. Then I finally walked into a Soho loft space with beautiful wood floors, high tin ceilings, colorful drapes and pillows, like nothing I had ever seen. It was like a studio out of a dream.
Entering the space I was greeted by a beautiful couple , the owner and his girlfriend . They greeted me warmly, told me about the studio, the practice, I was instantly sold, the training started the next day, I gave them a check. On my way out, the owner wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug saying how happy he was I would be joining them. His embrace gave me a shiver down my spine that made me cringe. I should have known…
At that time, let me just say that my relationships with men weren’t “ideal” , I brushed off my physical response to me “being too sensitive”. I said good bye with a smile. I jumped into the training with both feet . Part of our training required “karma” or selfless service to the studio, helping with sign ins , cleaning up a bit, chores and such, no big deal. One afternoon while I was minding the desk the owner sat down beside me and put his hand on my upper thigh, and began to slide it upward as he commented how strong my legs were. My head whipped around and I glared at him as if I would rip his throat out. He quickly removed his hand and said “ooh you’re a fighter , I like that”. That was the first and the last time he attempted such things, at least for me.
I was a fastidious learner , in spite of the environment created by his libido, he had a capable collective that assisted with our learning process. I was the first in my group to be offered an opportunity to teach in the studio, in a short time my classes were well attended, I had a strong and regular presence.
Another training shortly followed, a new group of lovely young ladies.
As that training came close to its end, one of the girls approached me and asked for a moment of my time. Very sweet girl, on the shy side, we made tea and sat together. She divulged that the owner had touched her inappropriately during a “massage”. She was shocked, scared and unsure how to handle it She continued to share she wasn’t the only one he had been manipulating into sexual contact by our instructor..
Ultimately, almost a dozen women came forward and told similar tales. These girls were never the same, emotionally, physically, all were traumatized by their experience. To this day, many of them report that they are still affected by those horrible experiences they had in that back massage room.
The real tragedy was when these women, including me, reached out to the Yoga Alliance with these facts , their response was, and I quote …“We are not the yoga police”. To fairly recently, I continued to reach out to YA with no response. This man continues to teach and train teachers this day.
Unfortunately, my teacher isn’t the only one, many instructors have been unmasked as sexual predators. Humans are innately sexual beings. There is a sexual spin to every aspect of our lives, it”s in our DNA, we almost cant help ourselves. The yoga community is not immune from base- driven urges, ego, lust, envy. There is even an aspect of yoga that addresses this sexual energy, “Brahmacharya”, or control of sexual energies, a limb clearly all too often overlooked.
It is not my intention here to judge how consenting adults what to do with their bodies. Sex can be a beautiful and amazing exchange of powerful energy to be explored and enjoyed.
The problem lies with the conscious manipulation of starry eyed student. It’s happening more often than we in the yoga community would like to admit. It’s a systemic problem that needs a very deep looking at.
The good news is, in the wake of the blossoming ME2 movement, I feel it’s finally being, at least, addressed .
It’s so unfortunate that in our society sex is so often portrayed as something dirty, shameful, even “sinful”, its” not.
Sex can be a beautiful and amazing exchange of powerful energy between consenting adults.
Sex is an experience of the body, the mind, and quite possibly the spirit. A physically restricted body and an unhealthy sense of self, really puts a damper on a fulfilling sexual experience..
Engaging in a balanced, supportive yoga practice can improve your sex life . Most, if not all of us come to the mat with some self deprecating body issues. We don’t like how we look, we don’t like how we feel, we cringe at the thought of how we look to others. We carry some serious shame. We have bodies that are shut down and rigid. We carry ourselves in such a way that restricts movement and fluidity throughout our body, especially in our sensitive areas. A nourishing practice lead by a kind and intelligent teacher will allow these patterns to unfold , tightness to release, acceptance to begin. Yoga gives you much needed range of motion , confidence and self understanding . Learning how to breathe deeper and move with more grace is a huge benefit to any “physical” activity. Ultimately when we are being intimate with someone, all these things come into play. A comfortable state of mind, body awareness and mindfulness of breath will enhance every aspect of our lives. When all these things are available to us, stressors removed, more pleasurable experiences can unfold. There are actually specific yogic sexual practices called “Tantra” which addresses the body/ mind / breath relationship and movement of energies during sex.
Sex and sexuality are an integral part of our lives, especially when dealing with a room full of half naked people moving and sweating together. In this environment, emotions, as well as urges will come to surface . Yoga is a beautiful and wondrous practice that creates a strong, limber body, while encouraging self awareness and acceptance. These tools when taken off the mat and into the bedroom makes a good thing even better.
We as a community need to learn how to keep our sexual energies within the framework of our personal practice. Sharing our lessons, our newly found inner space, and experiences with those that choose to accept and share them. The practice of yoga can cultivate new and powerful experiences we can enjoy for a lifetime .
So go appropriately grab a friend, get on your mats, and maybe some great sex will follow.
Thats what I would call a good day.