Daddy Issues…..

On the couch snuggling up with my two favorite boys, my dogs.

Sitting in sorrow, post latest break up, another man dances out of my life.

Hand to God, this one I did everything right. I willingly tore down walls, I openly communicated, I expressed love without restraint, did all the things, used my words, bore my heart served up my soul. This time I think even more so than I did in my 11 year marriage. I wanted to do this relationship thing right for once. I did the work, I gave it my best with all I had, and it still failed.

I look down into my fur filled lap and think, these boys will never leave me.

You ever have a moment in your life that’s bigger than an “AH HA “? You have one that’s more like “A holy fucking shit”? That’s what that moment was for me. Mind blown by sleeping dogs. I’ve had male dogs since I’ve had dogs. For some lizard brain reason, I always just gravitated to the males of the species. I seemed just to meld better with them, It just felt more comfortable, more natural. I love all dogs, but the females just didn’t seem….100%, dare I say “committed” to our relationship, not comfortable in our pack pecking order.

Holy anthropomorphizing Batman.

These boys will never leave me.

Holy Fucking Shit.

We all have daddy issues.

Whether our fathers are present in our lives or not, kind or assholes, caring or crummy, some emotional consequence will rear its ugly head throughout our lives. We all have some kind of automated response system.

Daddy issues.

Some of us hold on a bit too hard, but the more you tighten your grip sister, the more men will slip through your fingers.

My father abandoned me before my birth, I was teased as a child in school for lack of a father.

Circumstances made me a bricklayer, a wall builder, a pusher away of men. I was a hard ass, a taker of no shit from the males of the species, dogs and humans. I grew up teaching myself I did not need a man in my life to survive. That was my take away from the missing daddy business.

Some have wonderful relationships with their fathers, and they too build walls. Maybe on some level all the love they need comes from daddy, no other man is.. in their eyes, necessary. Who knows? We all have these complicated emotional stories that we tell ourselves depending on how our little brains process our biography. Ultimately we all end up with some kind of issues, daddy or otherwise.

What are we supposed to do? I feel like so few of us have the right relationship mix with our fathers to come out the other side ready, willing, and able to have lasting healthy relationships with others. We cant win. Even those of us that spend a lifetime of trial and error, “Doing the work”, blah blah blah. We still end up at midlife either alone or just unfulfilled in our current situation. Im not sure which is worse.

Our relationships, or lack there of, with both our parents are so influential and significant. They set the tone for all our relationships that follow. With men, with women, even with dogs. How are we supposed to get through all this business and find a love that lasts? A love that either, or both people don’t self sabotage because of each others history?

I wish I had the answer.

One thing I definitely know. A big piece is having two people that know their issues and are willing to ask the big questions and do”the work” thing together.

It’s always like looking for a unicorn and a herd of unicorns isn’t it?

We are all trying to figure it out, every dam day.

Showing up, bearing it all, taking the shots.

Doing our best to weed through all our issues before they choke us out.

For now, I’ll love on my four legged boys, the ones that love me unconditionally no matter what. Have some down time, some me time.

I’ll keep asking questions about myself, maybe learn a little bit more about how to deal with these damn issues. Perhaps I can learn how to deal with others’ better.

We will leave the mommy issues for tomorrow…. thats a whole other conversation….